See, I've been running a personal ad for the past month and a half on and off. I thought I had a friend. I might even have a lover. But none of it is certain. The friend is the one with the "fishing story" and I thought he was a true real possible friend person. I fit him into my ideal of who a real friend person might be. I'm not kidding myself -- they are interested in my physical appearance -- but this guy seemed to have moved past that. Apparently something I wrote freaked him out -- we chatted online for the first time and poof -- he was gone. Oh well, huh? It's just that I never thought he would be anything but who he said he was. Sigh. Freaking Alien. (Tom)
Then there is this fellow I am to meet New Year's Eve. I am of two minds about this -- my true mind and my other true mind. All of this is weird and different to me. What in the world do I think I am doing after all these years seeking out something for myself out of this life? I know that makes sense to none but me, and I don't suppose that I have any readers anyway. But what in the world do I think I am doing trying to live life by my own rules and still want to end up not worse off for it in the long run. Is there something that I can't see right in front of me?
I've spent the day in my room. Thank goodness the Y opens again tomorrow and I can get my mind back on track. It was too cold and icy to walk today -- a good long walk 4 miles in the morning, working out with weights and then another good long four mile walk in the evening -- combined with a cleansing diet will help to set me back on track mentally for the meeting on Friday.
I'm nervous. I am feeling so screamingly insecure. I need to get back to center really quickly -- he'll be able to tell if I am not. I'll not be myself if I am not and then all this will be one more thing to learn from -- and wonder about what the heck I did wrong -- if I can figure that out at all. Sigh.
I don't want to live in all this. I felt ok about this thing being perhaps not everything in the world to us -- but that was when I was certain that the other people that I was dealing with were real. For one that I considered to be a friend to turn out to be a freak -- didn't help here.
I should Blog more. This blog is over a year old and so much more has happened then is evidenced here. Just another life story -- no more interesting than most.
But it's mine.
Happy New Year.