Sunday, December 26, 2004

I keep forgetting how much things can change within a year, a month, a day, even a moment sometimes. Our view of this world and our place in it depends so much on things that we believe to be true actually being true. I lost a friend that I probably never really had today. At least that is how I see it. One minute he was there talking to me -- the next, it's some fishing story and he's been gone ever since. One day I am complete and confident and sure of my own goodness and worth -- the next I see some vivid mistakes that I have made that threaten even my surface level relationships. Do I have anything but these surface level relationships? Sure on days that I believe that I do I do. Today isn't one of those days.

See, I've been running a personal ad for the past month and a half on and off. I thought I had a friend. I might even have a lover. But none of it is certain. The friend is the one with the "fishing story" and I thought he was a true real possible friend person. I fit him into my ideal of who a real friend person might be. I'm not kidding myself -- they are interested in my physical appearance -- but this guy seemed to have moved past that. Apparently something I wrote freaked him out -- we chatted online for the first time and poof -- he was gone. Oh well, huh? It's just that I never thought he would be anything but who he said he was. Sigh. Freaking Alien. (Tom)

Then there is this fellow I am to meet New Year's Eve. I am of two minds about this -- my true mind and my other true mind. All of this is weird and different to me. What in the world do I think I am doing after all these years seeking out something for myself out of this life? I know that makes sense to none but me, and I don't suppose that I have any readers anyway. But what in the world do I think I am doing trying to live life by my own rules and still want to end up not worse off for it in the long run. Is there something that I can't see right in front of me?

I've spent the day in my room. Thank goodness the Y opens again tomorrow and I can get my mind back on track. It was too cold and icy to walk today -- a good long walk 4 miles in the morning, working out with weights and then another good long four mile walk in the evening -- combined with a cleansing diet will help to set me back on track mentally for the meeting on Friday.

I'm nervous. I am feeling so screamingly insecure. I need to get back to center really quickly -- he'll be able to tell if I am not. I'll not be myself if I am not and then all this will be one more thing to learn from -- and wonder about what the heck I did wrong -- if I can figure that out at all. Sigh.

I don't want to live in all this. I felt ok about this thing being perhaps not everything in the world to us -- but that was when I was certain that the other people that I was dealing with were real. For one that I considered to be a friend to turn out to be a freak -- didn't help here.

I should Blog more. This blog is over a year old and so much more has happened then is evidenced here. Just another life story -- no more interesting than most.

But it's mine.

Happy New Year.

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

I've made my decision for the upcoming election:

I'm not voting.

I'm disillusioned: not sure who to believe and not sure if I was ever right or wrong in the first place. Perhaps I just reacted exactly as they had hoped me to.

I don't believe much of any political news I read or hear anymore. I take none of it at face value. I've seen how the deception and spin works, from stump speeches to what gets carried on the evening news (versus what doesn't) to watching the press vilify a man for a pep-rally roar.

Back before the war in Iraq, I was convinced that Saddam was after WMD and would have them very soon if not stopped. I was afraid for the future and for the world. Strongly for the war, I followed every step. The WMDs would show up any day. Any day. I thought the media and the world to be denying a truth that was right before their eyes. How could they not see? How could they not see?

If what we 'know' now is true... I turned out to be mostly wrong. Not completely, but mostly.

I still believe that a good deed has been done in ridding Iraq of Saddam and sons. I think it will turn out to be a good thing for the world that Iraq is being liberated. I'm no longer convinced we did it for purely noble reasons.

I've been played and I've been swayed and I still don't know by who. Mistrust is one reason I'm not voting in November. I'll watch this cycle play through. Learn to see through it all better so that I can trust that my own thoughts and decisions are based on more fact than wishful thinking.

Perhaps I'll come around next time. I hope so.

(All this fuss and I live in a state that's pretty much decided already.) ;)

Thursday, January 01, 2004

New Year's Eve

Louder than usual fireworks. Booms that could have been thunder. Didn't watch the ball drop -- crashed out at 11:37 -- must be getting old. Tired and cranky -- kept thinking of new resolutions -- swearing? Nope -- too cranky to give that up. Complaining? Would I really care if I was in the mood to complain whether I had resolved not to complain so much? Watched TV, complained alot -- got my feet and back rubbed with lotion. Guess it wasn't that bad an end to 2003.

Saturday, October 25, 2003

I gotta try to remember what this all is for. Things I used to enjoy, things that used to be part of who I am -- I'm just not excited about anymore. I did smile -- a great big warm smile from within at a three month old boy in the doctor's waiting room. The first smile was just a smile, he smiled back, kicking his legs and clapping his hands from his seat on his daddy's lap. The second smile welled up from within me and I felt happy, truly happy. He smiled back. I smiled one more time. He began to not trust me or maybe be was bored, but daddy got up and left the room with him. I stopped being happy. Whoopie. I wondered if I had been rejected by baby and by the dad, who might not have wanted some strange lady smiling at the cute little boy in camel-colored suede shoes. Sigh. Then and now. See, I feel the senselessness of it all. If not for my own happiness, then what? For them, yes -- this is for them. Life is still good for them and full of hope and opportunity. I just have to not ruin it... for them.

Saturday, September 27, 2003

Diversity Diversity Diversity Diversity Diversity Diversity Diversity
Diversity Diversity Diversity Diversity Diversity Diversity Diversity
Diversity Diversity Diversity Diversity Diversity Diversity Diversity
Diversity Diversity Diversity Diversity Diversity Diversity Diversity
Diversity Diversity Diversity inclusion Diversity Diversity Diversity
Diversity Diversity Diversity Diversity Diversity Diversity Diversity
Diversity Diversity Diversity Diversity Diversity Diversity Diversity
Diversity Diversity Diversity Diversity Diversity Diversity Diversity
Diversity Diversity Diversity Diversity Diversity Diversity Diversity

(Diversity)

(Diversity)

(Diversity)

(Inclusion IncLusion Nclusione
incluzion INCLUSION InclUsioN
inclueson inklewsion Inclusion)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sometimes it seems that diversity means not being what you hate. To this hate your identity is bound. You can't be anything but not. But you dare not name it, so it wears a flimsy mask and snickers at you from within.

Those not like you become emperors for you. They wear the blackest robes at your perpetual midnight, hoping that the moon won't reveal their nakedness. There is only your truth so thick with blame no innocents could speak it. This is your world and like a telling dream: you know whose face would be revealed.

On a bad day, on a really bad day -- it could be your undoing.

Thursday, September 25, 2003

What are you waiting for? You won't feel more like it tomorrow -- at least not until the coffee has set in and it's time to do something else. Yes, I did mean coffee -- not caffeine. The full effect. Caffeine, yes - aroma, flavor, picking those tiny coffee stained specks off the inside sides of what looked like a clean cup before you poured coffee into it and drank it down to that level. The full disgusting effect. No wonder you don't do it anymore. Your head is full of coffee-stained brain cells that should have come out of the dishwasher clean. It shouldn't matter, but it does.

So blog already.